I've been hangin' out with Hoagy for about 35 years now and I STILL learn new stuff from him. Here's what I learned last night:
1. If you should run into a Grizzly Bear out in the wild and said Grizzly puts down one paw followed by another make sure you put your coat up high over your head so you appear bigger...it might scare off said Grizz because he now thinks you're a formidable foe. Thank you Hoag for once again saving my life.
2. If you should run into a Grizzly Bear out in the wild and said Grizzly puts down both paws at the same time there is a good chance said Grizzly is going to eat you....so get down on the ground, face down, and cover up your head area. Thank you Hoag for once again saving my life.
3. If you should run into a Black Bear out in the wild and it runs toward you it means the bear wants to eat you....best thing to do is hit said Black Bear in the snout. Thank you Hoag for once again saving my life.
4. If you should be out at a restaurant and a hot waitress starts to approach you, this is what Hoagy told me to do ...ummmm.....I forget..ummmm....I think it was something to with hitting her in her snout.
PS
I might have the Grizzly advice wrong...so do the former on the latter. Or something.
Friday, October 06, 2006
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23 comments:
You are a woman?
Forget about Ronnie. Hoagy is our greatest American.
I ran into a bear in the woods once.
I backed up, excused myself, and went around him.
I ran into a bear in the woods also...though it was just a cartoon bear. Yogi or Baloo...I forget which.
You've heard what bears do in the woods, yes?
Ewww.
Does Stephen Colbert know about this?
Why can't we all just get along?
Chordata,Mammalia,Carnivora,Ursidae, Ursinae....in da house
Dear Lois:
He does now. Oh the miracles of e-mail...
::giggling::
Cake:
Keen! Maybe he'll have Hoagy on as a guest to discuss the threat bears pose to all good Americans.
What do I do if I run into a hot bear in a restaurant and it advances on me? Put my napkin over my head to look more like the table and ask for the check?
There are hot bears???
Oh wait.
Cindy Bear was kinda hot...
If you see a bear in the woods, get a saw or just tear his arms off and carry them around with you. And if anyone asks you why you're carring around bloody severed ursine limbs, just tell them "This is America! I have the right to bear arms!"
I am goddamn hilarious.
Cousin Steve is a woman.
Have you forgotten about the restraining order??
"Cousin Steve is a woman."
I figured she was after that whole over-compensating urinal exchange.
Kinda mannish, though, ain't she?
Clinky,
Wouldn't it ne easier to just roll up your sleeves?
You'd still be asserting your right to "bear arms," but without the bloody mess.
That would be "Bare arms"
Dear grammarcounts:
Get lost! This is a grammar-free zone!
How come I got scolded for saying "bear arms" and Clinky didn't?????
Huh, Mr. grammarcounts???
And thanks cake....WE'LL decide when grammar counts!
Beamish:
When you're trying to make a joke based on homonyms, spelling really does matter; if you're excersing your right to wear a tank-top, that's your right to "bare arms"; if you want to buy a tank made by a company that also makes aspirin, that's your right to "Bayer arms." See how much funnier that is?
In his role as a woman, Cousin Steve can bear children.
Clinky,
Sorry-I must've dozed off for a second. Did you say something?
And what's this about nooprah being pregnant?
Wasn't trying to bare children something Mark Foley got in trouble for?
-- Lamont Cranston
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